Whilst I have done much work on myself, whilst I have trained in systems and tools that look to get you into flow i.e. where you can best use your talents and where others can best use their talents and you come together to collaborate to make a successful team or business. I have found myself still very out of flow with life. I am practising it and I have to say when I get it, the feeling is amazing, like a total bliss and joy. However, it does not take my mind long to kick in and I am wanting to do, I am wanting to plan, I am wanting to apply all that I have learnt. I want to know the next step. I think I do know the next step. I get angry when that step does not materialise and then I rant away at the universe for letting me down. It is often when I get in the mind, when I go against the grain, when I push instead of yield, when I fix on how things should be and will not rest until that happens, that I go out of flow. I only need to look at nature to see that nature gets it, things just happen, the winds blow, the rain comes down, the sun shines, flowers grow, flowers wilt, and then next year that cycle begins again. There is no resistance to what is. I however and most humans I feel have a lot of resistance to going with the flow of life.
This universe, this journey, this life is constantly evolving and to appreciate it, to expand and grow ourselves and to remain at peace, to experience joy, to experience connection and that oneness, we have to learn to flow with life. Easier said than done. However, I am finding that still point within that keeps me grounded. Thats stops me swirling off into the dramas of life. We can all get sucked into the happy, happy, joy, joy, we can get sucked into the sadness, depression and stress. When we do we are in the illusion, the ego or identified with our story. This is what my swirling mind says to me
- Gotta achieve this
- Gotta have that
- Gotta have a purpose
- Gotta have a relationship
- Gotta have amazing health
- Gotta eat super healthy foods
- Gotta take exercise this week
- Gotta practice positive thinking
- Gotta have a job
- Gotta help people
It is like being beaten with a stick every 5 minutes.
So clearly my spirit has had enough of being beaten with a stick and is fighting back and saying no. I have been following the guidance that has been coming to me and flowing. I can honestly say it brings up all my fears, it throws caution to the wind, it goes against many teachings of How To and it has confused the hell out of not only me but many of those around me, who really do think I’m having a mid life crisis.
I have walked away from the business I had to nothing, no job, no other clients, no other business, no support mechanism, nothing. I have been on several retreats. I have connected with people as and when I felt appropriate. I jumped in the car last weekend and drove to the Cotswolds to help out a friend. I am jumping on a plane going half way around the world to do some training. And I have no idea what is coming next, how I will survive financially, what I will do or contribute to the world apart from BEING myself. Part of me feels crazy, but part of me knows that this feels right. That for now I am in the perfect place, that I need to go through this and really let go and surrender and finally learn to truly trust.
This is one thing I know for sure, it is when you start to connect with yourself, when you let go of all you think you are, all your fears and even your hopes and dreams, when you let go of the identity that you have created for yourself, when you let go of how you think life should be, when you let go of the as if, when you let go of making it, of being successful of maintaining of having an image. That you can just BE in the moment, that you can say yes or no and go with your feelings. That you can tap into your heart and say yes when it calls. It means witnessing when you are in your patterns, to be able to see your stuff, to be able to say, this is not me. To ask for forgiveness for going into the illusion and above all to be able to express gratitude, in a western world we have so much to be grateful for, yet how often do we express that?
To be able to say this is me, to be aligned to the light that you are and to show it and shine it. This is when the bliss comes, this is when life starts to feel joyful and this is when the miracles start to happen.
Someone once said to me stop showering with your raincoat on. To really experience this life you have to be in it, that is the good, the bad and the ugly. No judgement, just being, just flowing, moment to moment. Shit will always happen, however, will you stay in it, will you run from it or will you just flow with it, knowing that it will not last, it has to change.
Having no plans, no ties and no goals, ambitions or desires is incredibly liberating, however, my mind is still looking for the what next, something to grab hold of, something to DO, something to BE and something to identify with. I am having to do a lot of breathing. I am having to sit in my power and know that the guidance that is coming to me is for a reason that I cannot see, feel or touch yet.